tokens

Token: a. a member of a group (as a minority) that is included within a larger group b. serving or intended to show absence of discrimination (Webster)

We've all seen tokens. The one odd person out in a group is probably there because they were invited to be the token for whatever group they would normally belong to. We don't want to discriminate, so we let people who are different into our group and whatever they say we assume is the opinion of everyone in the group they represent. I was introduced to this concept during my seminary life when I would be the only woman in a class. All of a sudden whatever I said was considered to be what every woman would say. I was the token woman. The problem with this concept is that I rarely speak for anyone but myself. My opinions should probably have one of those conditional statements below them at all times: "Thoughts expressed are solely that of the speaker. We are not responsible for the content of this opinion."

But having spent a little time as a pastor now, I'm beginning to think that perhaps its not such a bad thing that I speak for my gender. Granted, I'm sure there are many women who would disagree with some things that I say because we are all different and will come to different conclusions on all kinds of things. But at the same time I realize that they are not in my place. I am the only woman on my fellow team. I am the only woman writing small group questions for our congregation each week. I am the only woman in my worship planning meeting. If I don't speak from my perspective no one else will. So while I don't claim to speak for all women, I do try to speak as a woman, offering an individual woman's perspective in a place where it is scarce. I thought women were a minority in seminary, but it is nothing compared to being on a pastoral staff in an evangelical church.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks so far in my pastoral life. I sometimes wonder what it is that I am doing and how I got myself into this. But then I remember that the best place to be is where God leads and God has led me here. It is very interesting sometimes when I end up sitting in meetings all day and there aren't any other women. I'm not quite used to it yet. I don't always love feeling like the token woman, but I have come to accept it and I will gladly hold my token status until the day women no longer need a token to have a voice in the church.

a pastoral identity

I am a pastoral fellow. It's kind of like being a pastor, but not really. I get all the experience of being a pastor without actually having the responsibilities of a pastor. I get to learn to walk the fine line of pastoral ministry with a safety net. It is a great set-up.

However, with the perks of being a pastoral fellow comes one great downside. I am not the only fellow on my church staff. There are actually five of us all going through this two year program. And to those in the church we are simply "the fellows." All of us are grouped together in one lump sum. When they need something at the church done, it falls to the fellows as a collective unit. I, being the only woman on the fellows team, have a little bit of an advantage, but not much of one. I'm still just another one of the fellows.

And to be honest, it starts to bug you after awhile. Sometimes it's like I don't really have my own identity. I am only who I am because of the group affiliation I have. My American individualism balks against this. But as I've been thinking it over I have made the hard realization that I was never really supposed to have my own identity. I am supposed to be known as one "in Christ". My identity is not my own but is based on the group to which I belong. Or at least it should be. And while I would love to say that even when I lose my identity to my position as a fellow I am perfectly content to have my identity found purely in my relation to Christ, that would be incorrect. I, like most Americans and probably most westerners in general, do not enjoy having someone else be primary and me be secondary. I do not enjoy being lumped into a group. I want to be unique and special. I've realized I have more of a desire to have my own pastoral identity than to demonstrate my identity in Christ. I want people to look at me and see a great pastor. God wants them to look at me and see Jesus. So as much as I resist the idea that the fellowship will eat my identity, perhaps this fellowship will be better preparation for life than I even knew.